Teen anger. We
all have seen it. Is anger just a normal part of growing up and
learning to manage angry feelings? How can a parent help?
Teens can be as
confused about their angry outbursts as you are. Anger and tears
when you try to talk to them may indicate that they could feel
embarrassed and helpless to change.
We will look at a
variety of possible causes of teen anger and some strategies for
helping both you and your teen to express feelings in safe,
appropriate ways.
Anger can be
triggered by many factors. Some people are temperamentally more
volatile, more sensitive and more easily angered. Developmentally,
there are periods of life where growth struggles bring about
increased frustration (like when you're a toddler or a teenager),
because kids are trying to understand what they get to control and
what they don't get to control. Finally, there are stressful
circumstances with friends, sports, school, or home which can
cause increased feelings of anger.
In thinking about
anger, it is important to remember that it is usually a secondary
emotion. The underlying emotion is more likely to be rejection,
fear, failure, frustration or sadness. For boys, society is often
more accepting of anger than it is of these other underlying
emotions and so anger may be what your son shows most readily.
However, it's important to bear in mind that there are other
feelings underneath that need to be expressed and resolved.
Here are some
suggestions for working with your teenager:
-
Approach
discussions from a supportive place.
While it is natural to be disappointed and frustrated with
your child for losing control one more time, he needs your
support and understanding. He needs to know that you have
confidence in him. It is from this base of support that he
will be able to pay attention to his feelings, think clearly
and figure out what is happening inside of him. Try saying
something like, "I know we both get frustrated when you
lose your temper, but let's see if we can understand what
happens when you start getting mad and come up with some
solutions."
-
Understand
that feelings are not wrong.
In our society, certain feelings are viewed as
"negative" and others as "positive." In
fact, every feeling is a normal part of being human. If
children get the message that there is something wrong with
some of their feelings, they come to believe that something
must be wrong with them. Understanding that feelings are
normal can turn our energies to learning to express them
appropriately rather than repressing them.
-
Help your son
explore acceptable ways to express anger and other feelings.
An important distinction to make is that we want our kids to
learn to control the expression of their feelings, not the
feeling itself. So rather than asking your son to suppress or
ignore his anger, tell him you would like him to learn
alternative, safe and appropriate ways to express that anger.
Each family needs to decide what ways are acceptable and which
aren't: "In our family, we yell a lot. We don't call
names or say hurtful things, but people get loud when they are
angry." "Dad prefers to have time alone when he is
feeling mad. It helps me to punch the punching bag or take a
run around the block."
It can
sometimes be tricky if people in one family have different
ways of expressing anger. It is important that you and your
son think about ways he could show his anger that are both
satisfying to him and acceptable in your family.
-
Think about
the models your son sees.
Even more important than what we tell our kids is appropriate,
is what they see. They are watching the people in their
family, people on TV, friends. Work on modeling the ways you
would like to see your son express his anger and discuss with
him the other models he is seeing.
-
Explore your
own feelings. When
our children are struggling with big feelings, especially
anger, very often our own feelings get stirred up. Take some
time to think about what you learned about anger as a child
and what healthy messages you would like to pass on to your
son.
-
Help your son
discover the sources and triggers of his anger.
By age fourteen, most people haven't yet learned what events
and circumstances are likely to trigger their anger. (Many of
us, as adults, have still not learned this!) Helping your son
figure out the things that are likely to get him mad will give
him some power. ("I've noticed that every time you call
Joey after school and he can't get together, you blow
up.") As your son learns the things that are likely to
trigger his anger (not eating enough, not getting enough
sleep, having a disappointment in school, experiencing a
setback in sports), he will feel less blindsided by his
feelings. Eventually, understanding his triggers will give him
the ability to choose alternative routes so he doesn't end up
so angry.
-
Help your son
learn to recognize his feelings before they get out of
control. Once your
son has identified some of the things that he has been mad
about, he may be able to think about how he felt just before
he "lost his temper." (Often this is the moment when
he experienced the underlying feelings of hurt, fear or
sadness) If your son can learn to recognize that he is
"on the way" towards being mad, he can make some
decisions about what he wants to do with the feeling, rather
than letting the feeling overtake him.
Sometimes it
can be helpful to share your own stories: "I remember
when I was in a big track meet and I could tell I was going to
come in second in a race I really wanted to win. As I started
thinking about who I wanted to punch, I realized I was really
sad about not winning and I decided to go off and be by myself
for a while."
-
Get help if
you need it. If your
son's angry outbursts continue or feel out of control, or if
he is being violent toward pets or people, seek out the
support of a counselor or other professional who works with
adolescents.
|
